Day 21: Post your intake today. Are you happy with it?
—2 small squares dark chocolate
—homemade burrito bowl
—two small cookies
—pita and hummus
—some tater tots
Yes, I’m happy with my intake because it was a Friday after period week/emotional shit at work week plus a comedy show outing. It’s not like I eat that was usually so it’s not going to kill me and I still didn’t binge :)
Day 22: Whats your favorite breakfast?
All of the cereal. And pancakes, waffles and hash browns. But thankfully not all at once..usually ;)
Day 20: What is your UGW and what excites you about reaching it?
I don’t have an UGW because a number on the scale isn’t my goal nor is it going to make me happy. I am more concerned with getting stronger, healthier, and hopefully eventually reaching a point where I’m proud of and like my body. To me that’s much more important than any number could be.
Day 19: Try analyzing your feelings before and after a binge episode.
Well, technically tomorrow is day 19 but this one felt appropriate to do tonight since I had a half-binge :/ I say half because it was about half of one of my typical binges and not really classified as a binge calorie wise; however, I had all the same feelings and behaviors as a binge and the only reason it wasn’t worse was because I was at my apartment and just didn’t have anymore food.
Before the binge, I had stressful feelings from a shitty email from a coworker, and for some reason it was like I knew from that point that I was going to binge but I couldn’t prevent it. I know that sounds like shit but that’s the best way I can explain it.
During the binge, there’s a very small part of my mind that knows I should stop but once I start that part has no power and can’t overcome the binging mindset to make me stop. I try and convince myself but once I’m in the binge mode I can’t snap out of it.
After a binge, of course I feel guilty. Recently that guilt hasn’t been the eat me alive kind with crying and punishment by eating less later like it has been, but I still feel like shit deep down because I feel weak and like I’ll never fully break this cycle. I feel like the amount and frequency has improved but the binging mindset that takes over hasn’t changed a bit. I’ve been feeling better about my body lately because I’m getting great results with my muscles but deep down the insecurities about my stomach are as bad as they’ve always been. I just feel kinda hopeless like I’ll never have the body I want. But at the same time I know it’s not okay to not appreciate and like the body I have now even though it’s not my “ideal” body.
Sometimes I just really wish I knew what it was like to be a healthy, high self esteem, intuitive eating person who wasn’t constantly consumed by food, calories, working out and achieving this ideal body. But I don’t know how to be anybody else.
Day 18: List five things that you love about yourself.
—my desire to make those around me happy whenever possible
—my youthful spirit that finds most anything funny or entertaining regardless of what age I’m supposed to act like
—my dedication and hard work to things I get involved in
—my drive to make decisions quickly and make changes to make me happier like moving twice this past year, getting personal training certified, and adopting a dog
—my eyes :)
Day 17: What have you done so far to keep yourself going?
I’ve mainly kept myself going by making sure to eat enough calories consistently so I don’t get the urge to binge due to under eating. I used to aim for 1300-1500 TOTAL which meant my NET was super low on workout days, so now I try and make my net at least 1300 but usually closer to 1400-1500.
Another thing I’ve done a couple times is just brush my teeth at night when I felt a potential binge coming on because then I lose the desire to eat. I also do small body weight workouts in my room like push ups and what not.
Lastly, I have been letting myself eat things that I wouldn’t before as long as they fit into my calorie goals which helps reduce cravings :)
Day 16: A non-food reward that you enjoy?
My favorite non-food reward is probably going shopping for new clothes; however, I really have to be in the right mindset for it because I don’t always enjoy shopping, especially if I’m having a bad self-image day. I also like just relaxing and watching some Netflix or reading or hanging with the boyfriend :)
So close to going out and buying all the food cravings tonight…even considered going back out once I had gotten home, but I distracted myself by putting away my things and then just went and brushed my teeth because I knew I wouldn’t if I did that. Usually I would just not brush my teeth so I can binge instead, but I made the better decision tonight. Feeling good :)
Day 15: You’ve lasted OVER TWO WEEKS! How do you feel?
I’m feeling great about this challenge! Last night was kind of proof to me how my will and mindset have changed. I went to the grocery store like I always do on Friday nights and came home with cereal and cashews (my weaknesses). However, this time, I immediately portioned them out for the week ahead and packed them away and didn’t over eat at all! In fact, I went to the gym yesterday and did some extra workouts at home when I wasn’t planning to :) I’m hoping I can keep this mentality going!
Day 14: Do you think your binging is emotional?
I would say when I binge eat it’s spurred on by something emotional or I excuse myself based on my emotions; however, I think a big part of it was also that I just was way under-eating. I was eating about 1000-1300 net calories a day while working out often really hard, and I think after five days in a row doing that by Friday or Saturday my body was just crying out for more food because it was undernourished. I just don’t think emotions had as much to do with it because I would binge when I was upset and stressed but sometimes I was perfectly happy and still would. I hope I’m on the path to end that though :)
Day 13: What are you doing to make sure you’re drinking enough water?
I have a water bottle that holds 32 oz of water that I bring to work and make sure to drink one on the way to work or before I start teaching, one at lunch, and one before I leave or on the way home. Then I drink another when I get home to make sure I get about a gallon of water a day. Getting enough water has never been a challenge for me, especially when I’m teaching. On the weekend I struggle to get a gallon because I don’t think about it as much when I’m not working, but 5/7 days a week getting at least a gallon seems like enough to me!
Day 12: Why do you think you binge?
I think my binging became worse when I was more desperate to lose weight and restricted my calories too low all week, so when Friday came my body was just like “gimme all the food!” I also know that going to my parents where they keep all kinda snacks causes it too because I never have extra food at my house so it’s a luxury that I’m not used to and freak out about it when I go there. I also usually convince myself that it’s not the end of the world and I’m good 90% of the time so I shouldn’t feel bad.
Day 11: What is the hardest thing you’ve had to do?
Hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is watch my childhood dog, Sandy, finally give out on a Sunday morning in October when her legs have out and she could no longer walk. She had panic attacks and threw up and it was clear early on that that morning was finally it. We had to load her up in my moms van and I sat with her in the back and tried to keep her calm but it was like she knew what was happening. She wanted to look out the window but every time she tried to move she threw up. So we took her to the vet and carried her into a small room with a large bean bag bed and the whole process happened super quickly. We said our goodbyes and that was the last time I saw her. She lived a wonderfully long life of 14.5 years, and I had the pleasure of growing up with her from third grade on. She is the closest thing to me I’ve ever lost, but I’m happy for all the pictures and happy memories I have of her :)
Day 10: How much does binging affect your mood?
It affects my mood quite a bit and not just the night of, but for one to two days after as well. Plus, my mood usually affects my boyfriend and I because it brings me down and causes some tension at times. Usually I just beat myself up in my own head for a while after though.